Site Review

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The sexualization of a Lifestyle

There are thousands of possibly millions of post out there about BDSM and sex. One of the questions that is a recurrent theme is, why does everyone think it is about sex? Or is it really just kinky sex. Partially the answer can be yes and no, depending on which letters you are talking about. In the age of the internet the first impression most folks get of the lifestyle is sex.

Personal ad sites that have pictures of women and men in various states of undress assault the new comers eyes. Most leather relationships involve a large component of sex. I can troll site after site of "lonely female seeking strict Master" and get my fill of nudity, why pay for porn at all? Likewise I have seen more male genatallia than bears mentioning from the "have you hit puberty" to the "you think you are sticking that where" variety.

To the newcomers, dare I say uninitiated, there is a very strong case for this lifestyle being about sex on first blush. Joining chat rooms where there is flirtatious activities if not outright sex going on, to the search that uncovers their first "real" club. Most activities in the lifestyle are about arousal and sex. We heighten the senses, we play...there is only a very small subset of the community that may actually take a deeper interest in the lifestyle than what happens in between the proverbial sheets.

Constant calls of make me your whore, your slut, your cunt. I want to be used by my Master/ Mistress.... assault the newcomer at every turn. (Not necessarily at them directly but that is the exposure). Coming into the lifestyle there were those that had a mentor that to an extent may have been able to temper that, but for most of the newer generation that simply does not exist. I can sit at my computer for years staring at pictures and reading stories that almost always end in sexual conquest of some sort or another, and what should I think with no one to tell me otherwise, or show me a lifestyle that is about D/s.

I would venture to say that most S/m play is almost always sexually geared, either as foreplay or as the entree of the sexual evening. I may not have sex with my s-type immediately after, but it does get the juices flowing.

So, as a part of that sub-set that actually engages in a 24/7 lifestyle I am frustrated by the propensity for this lifestyle to always be about sex, but having been in it for quite some time I can understand it. I don't endorse it but I do understand it.

Safety Considerations

It is somewhat scary, but I am now watching a new generation enter the leather lifestyle. Wow, I am progressing in years. But a note on safety I think is due. There are important things that We can teach, many of them are common sense, but some are more esoteric. One of those things is physical safety. Where you can safely hit someone.

This is more for the mentors than the students, but even the students should take note. When receiving general instruction, one of the things to always ask is "Why?". This is not disrespectful but part of the learning process. I have had some fascinating conversations with some relatively new people about safety. They are always a little nervous but they will say something to the effect of..."I am concerned about where you were hitting." After some prying it comes down to a matter of all they know is that it is not someplace you should hit. That is all. Not the underlying reason.

That underlying reason is very important. Why? You ask. Because it explains the exceptions. Light floggers are not the same as heavy floggers. Nor are floggers the same as paddles or bats...yes, I said bats. But there are places that one should not hit with certain items. But those same places can be hit by other items and no damage can be done.

Plus, if anyone out there owns two or more floggers, they know, not all floggers are the same. Some are much heavier than others, the material that the falls are made out of make a world of difference as well. How they fall, how much kinetic force is transferred, all of these things make a difference. They make a difference in the amount of an s-types body you can play on. They make a difference in whether someone is safe or not.

These are the things that should be taught, most of what it is that We do is an art, there are very few absolutes. The absolutes that are out there generally result in Death.

Our Reference Page

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Why?

It is a question that we as people ask all the time. There are libraries of philosophy dedicated to the topic. There are entire religions based on or around this very topic. There are the great Whys and the little whys. I am not attempting to solve the riddles of the universe, I think they are doing just fine on their own.

But, what about the little whys? Why am I the way I am? Why do I like the color blue? Often times people get wrapped around the axle about these things. For the most part, is it simply enough to just be?

Knowing that I am what I am is a huge relief. Knowing that there are people out there looking for what I am is great. But does the knowing why really change anything? I have no history of abuse, of any sort, other than watching Linda Carter as Wonder Woman growing up. But I have a completely unremarkable childhood. Maybe that is what made me the way I am? Too much or not enough, for me it doesn't really matter. I simply am, and in the knowledge that I am, I can grow. I can look for the venues that cater to what I am. I can be safe and find partners that want what I am.

The life that all of us in the leather community lead follows dangerously close to that line of abuse. In some cases it is abuse. But knowing what I am, has allowed me to avoid falling over that line. But that is what I NEED to know.

I don't need to know the why of it. Does it matter? Would it change me one iota? Sure it might satisfy a scratch an itch, but would I not do this thing that we do? The answer to that would be no. I would continue to be me. After all is the sunrise any less majestic for knowing that the sun isn't moving? It is still a majestic sight.

I enjoy what I do. I have taken the time to make sure that I do it safely. After all, you can only break your toy once. I am not overly concerned with what society thinks. For this is my life and what I do with it is my responsibility. As a consenting adult, I can choose to torture myself over why I am the way I am, or I can torture someone else because that is what I enjoy.

I will choose the latter, it is more fun!

A breath from disaster

Having been around a number of different leather communities I have noticed a recurring theme or arch-type. The one step ahead of disaster Master. These folks seem to be just ever so slightly ahead of the disaster curve. Time and again things blow up and if they aren't at the epicenter they are very near it.

I really have to give them credit, they have great publicist or something, because none of the fecal matter that spews ever sticks to them. They constantly rotate through s-types, breaking one after another with unsafe acts, or destroy whatever self-esteem or pride there may be, but it is never their fault. This lifestyle has lost more than one s-type to just such a person.

How do we as a community prevent this? How do we as a community stop this from happening. Much the same way we would in any other aspect of our lives. If a person comes to you asking your opinion of someone what do you say? Do you take the harder path and be honest, or do you want everyone to keep liking you and say nothing? By that omission you are just as guilty as the person who does these things. If you have seen questionable activity and someone who is considering entering into a relationship with that person asks you, be honest. For the record honesty is not the same as maliciousness. You don't need to talk them down, but do be honest about what you have seen first hand. Don't be shy about it, or refer them to someone who does have first hand knowledge of what they are like.

Most "specialty" communities are very closed knit and it seems that everyone has dated or had a relationship with everyone else, and this is how the abuse or neglect or (insert negative event here) keeps happening. Nobody will stand up and say this person did (insert negative event here).

This is not without a price, bravery begets backstabbing and bickering and very possibly being excluded from certain groups. But in the end, what is Our responsibility? Are We not the Dominants? Is it not Our responsibility to protect Our community? If not then are We just playing at it?

Need to Know

There are many arguments from all walks of life, about how much to tell families and loved ones. It seems that a policy of full disclosure has become the norm. But the question remains why?

As a habit I don't tell my family what sexual positions me and my wife prefer. So when it comes to lifestyle the question still remains...Why? Many people have families, or members thereof that really don't want to know. By telling them, you are only creating drama. People have this look of stunned disbelief as their families or parts of it disown them. Families refuse to talk to them, or otherwise shun them. So what is the happy medium?

You grew up with your families, you know what their views are, sure they may change when it is "one of their own". But be honest with yourself, be honest with whomever you are involved with. Do I care if I won't be invited over for Christmas dinner? Not really.

But be aware that this is the decision point of your life, there are people who will make you choose. Tell your family or I will walk.

One of my thought points on this is that yes my family is important, but they are my past. The family I have now, my intentional family, my House is my future. My family can accept that or not. Now if they ever did come to visit, sure we would tone down our behavior as a courtesy. But much of what happens in this House is "bedroom" activity. If it isn't, then it is the most mundane of activities. No matter how leather we are, the cat litter still needs to be done. The dishes still need cleaned, and the trash still needs pulled, and let us not forget about budgets to be balanced.

So think carefully...What does the family need to know? What compromise are you and your partner(s) willing to make? If the answer is none, then the response is your responsibility to deal with. We each have those choices to make, and no they can not be unmade, welcome to the real world

The chemistry of what we do.

One of the things that many folks read about and that even more s-types think about is sub-space. Many of the theories surrounding sub-space is that it is an altered mental state brought on by the release of hormones in the body, more specifically endorphines. What is less discussed and something that I feel has equal importance is Dom-space. It is the euphoric sensation that is a Dominant enters into during a scene or even in the D/s lifestyle while watching their s-types.

There is no supporting work on this at this time, at least not anything that has any scientific merit. But I would like to toss my 20 spot on the table and add a theory here.

My theory is, Dom-space is much like the state of euphoria that a person enters into when hitting a winning combo on a slot machine or gambling in general. We have "won" the hours of work that We put into it is Our pay off. So the brain, in theory, is providing a "feel good sensation" or positive reinforcement. Which heightens all sorts of things.

Just something to think about it.

Ansuz
House Sarcasm

First Impressions and Lifestyle Importance

There is that old adage, "You only get one chance at a first impression", and it is true. Even more so in this lifestyle. Many times I have seen Dominants on the hunt for a long term submissive and are constantly befuddled as to why they don't have anyone interested. Looking at them it becomes apparent extremely quick. We all judge the book by its' cover, to steal another saying. Questions that are quickly answered...

"Are they my physical ideal?"

"Do they APPEAR to represent what I am looking for?"

"Are they able to provide what I am looking for?"

All these questions at least have a tentative answer before a word is ever said. Sometimes it is wrong, but not often. To use an often maligned concept, we profile, on both sides of the whip.

The first question, "Are they my physical ideal?" This could be for any number of reasons, from eye candy to physical stamina. Folks that are overweight are PRONE to increased health problems, not always but it does happen. If an s-type is looking for someone to do extended physically intensive scenes they may not be interested in someone that is morbidly overweight or gets winded coming up the steps. Likewise from the other side.

Second, "Do they appear to represent what I am looking for?" This could be any number of things, from the style of dress to how you carry yourself. If I am sporting high protocol tendencies and show up in shabby clothes someone who is looking for High Protocol may not be so interested. Next is the fit of clothing, and this is one that seems to happen more so with the male Dominants than female, the fit of your clothing. Those leather pants that you got 15 years ago, that you now wear four inches lower because of the gut. Get new pants. Now this does come with the caveat of showing up on a night that has a specific theme, you may not be dressed as you normally are, but I think most people make allowances for that, if they are aware of it.

Third, "Are they able to provide what I am looking for?" Now this is one that is very near and dear to my heart and soul. Maintaining equipment. We have equipment that is years old now, and the wear shows. But what also shows is that the equipment is well maintained. We don't keep it stuffed in a bag in the back of a closet. After each use, it is hung up so that the falls are hanging free, this allows the entire tool to air and prevents cracking or molding in the leather. Our equipment is wiped down, and maintained, either by Us or by an s-type under Our supervision. But it is done. In addition to the condition of equipment, tools, toys, is the selection. We don't take every tool We own when We go to the club. That would require way more luggage than I am willing to tote about. But We do take a selection even if We aren't going to use it, it never hurts to have just in case. Plus playing at clubs or during the number of home demonstrations We have done, it never hurts to have that equipment, because it may draw someone in. They may not be interested in your 50 floggers, but wow you have a violet wand... The door is opened and the discussion starts.

So if you are seeking, be aware of the image that you and your equipment are putting out there. That is what will draw that initial interest and get s-types talking to you. They are for lack of a better term, your money makers.

Ansuz
House Sarcasm

Equal Opportunity...

Lest we get too far into this blog and not have some perspective allow me to lay some settle some concerns that may be forth coming.

I am not about keeping women down, I am all about them rising and falling on their own merit. My co-Dominant within the structure of the House is also my wife. I am the Head of the Household due to some fairly mundane reasons. While she is NOMINALLY subordinate to me, she is in no way submissive to me. We came to this agreement prior to setting the House up and have maintained it as such because the reasons are still valid. In the event that I am absent she has full authority and ability to execute the actions required for the House to run smoothly.

Likewise I have trained both male and female s-types over the course of the years. I am all about male submissives as I am about female submissives, as long as the meet the criteria set for the House. Most of what male submissives are into is pretty ick and very few are actually looking for a male Dominant.

We currently do have a couple of females that are under consideration by the House, is this a social statement? Not in the least, is it the relationship that makes everyone happy? Very, very, very much so. It is the market of what is available and who is interested in what We are offering.

If perhaps someday there are male and female s-types involved. They will each be judged on their abilities as individuals, not what is, or is not hanging between their legs. In the past We have had males that have come to Us to seek training or potentially a position in Our House, and that so did not work out well. From basic tasks all the way up to recitation. Overall the females, in general who have applied to the House or applied themselves to the training material have done substantially better than the males. So does that mean that while I am all about voluntary female submission, I am pro-female? hmmmm vaguely ironic.

Ansuz
House Sarcasm