Thursday, April 22, 2010
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
The sexualization of a Lifestyle
There are thousands of possibly millions of post out there about BDSM and sex. One of the questions that is a recurrent theme is, why does everyone think it is about sex? Or is it really just kinky sex. Partially the answer can be yes and no, depending on which letters you are talking about. In the age of the internet the first impression most folks get of the lifestyle is sex.
Personal ad sites that have pictures of women and men in various states of undress assault the new comers eyes. Most leather relationships involve a large component of sex. I can troll site after site of "lonely female seeking strict Master" and get my fill of nudity, why pay for porn at all? Likewise I have seen more male genatallia than bears mentioning from the "have you hit puberty" to the "you think you are sticking that where" variety.
To the newcomers, dare I say uninitiated, there is a very strong case for this lifestyle being about sex on first blush. Joining chat rooms where there is flirtatious activities if not outright sex going on, to the search that uncovers their first "real" club. Most activities in the lifestyle are about arousal and sex. We heighten the senses, we play...there is only a very small subset of the community that may actually take a deeper interest in the lifestyle than what happens in between the proverbial sheets.
Constant calls of make me your whore, your slut, your cunt. I want to be used by my Master/ Mistress.... assault the newcomer at every turn. (Not necessarily at them directly but that is the exposure). Coming into the lifestyle there were those that had a mentor that to an extent may have been able to temper that, but for most of the newer generation that simply does not exist. I can sit at my computer for years staring at pictures and reading stories that almost always end in sexual conquest of some sort or another, and what should I think with no one to tell me otherwise, or show me a lifestyle that is about D/s.
I would venture to say that most S/m play is almost always sexually geared, either as foreplay or as the entree of the sexual evening. I may not have sex with my s-type immediately after, but it does get the juices flowing.
So, as a part of that sub-set that actually engages in a 24/7 lifestyle I am frustrated by the propensity for this lifestyle to always be about sex, but having been in it for quite some time I can understand it. I don't endorse it but I do understand it.
Personal ad sites that have pictures of women and men in various states of undress assault the new comers eyes. Most leather relationships involve a large component of sex. I can troll site after site of "lonely female seeking strict Master" and get my fill of nudity, why pay for porn at all? Likewise I have seen more male genatallia than bears mentioning from the "have you hit puberty" to the "you think you are sticking that where" variety.
To the newcomers, dare I say uninitiated, there is a very strong case for this lifestyle being about sex on first blush. Joining chat rooms where there is flirtatious activities if not outright sex going on, to the search that uncovers their first "real" club. Most activities in the lifestyle are about arousal and sex. We heighten the senses, we play...there is only a very small subset of the community that may actually take a deeper interest in the lifestyle than what happens in between the proverbial sheets.
Constant calls of make me your whore, your slut, your cunt. I want to be used by my Master/ Mistress.... assault the newcomer at every turn. (Not necessarily at them directly but that is the exposure). Coming into the lifestyle there were those that had a mentor that to an extent may have been able to temper that, but for most of the newer generation that simply does not exist. I can sit at my computer for years staring at pictures and reading stories that almost always end in sexual conquest of some sort or another, and what should I think with no one to tell me otherwise, or show me a lifestyle that is about D/s.
I would venture to say that most S/m play is almost always sexually geared, either as foreplay or as the entree of the sexual evening. I may not have sex with my s-type immediately after, but it does get the juices flowing.
So, as a part of that sub-set that actually engages in a 24/7 lifestyle I am frustrated by the propensity for this lifestyle to always be about sex, but having been in it for quite some time I can understand it. I don't endorse it but I do understand it.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Safety Considerations
It is somewhat scary, but I am now watching a new generation enter the leather lifestyle. Wow, I am progressing in years. But a note on safety I think is due. There are important things that We can teach, many of them are common sense, but some are more esoteric. One of those things is physical safety. Where you can safely hit someone.
This is more for the mentors than the students, but even the students should take note. When receiving general instruction, one of the things to always ask is "Why?". This is not disrespectful but part of the learning process. I have had some fascinating conversations with some relatively new people about safety. They are always a little nervous but they will say something to the effect of..."I am concerned about where you were hitting." After some prying it comes down to a matter of all they know is that it is not someplace you should hit. That is all. Not the underlying reason.
That underlying reason is very important. Why? You ask. Because it explains the exceptions. Light floggers are not the same as heavy floggers. Nor are floggers the same as paddles or bats...yes, I said bats. But there are places that one should not hit with certain items. But those same places can be hit by other items and no damage can be done.
Plus, if anyone out there owns two or more floggers, they know, not all floggers are the same. Some are much heavier than others, the material that the falls are made out of make a world of difference as well. How they fall, how much kinetic force is transferred, all of these things make a difference. They make a difference in the amount of an s-types body you can play on. They make a difference in whether someone is safe or not.
These are the things that should be taught, most of what it is that We do is an art, there are very few absolutes. The absolutes that are out there generally result in Death.
This is more for the mentors than the students, but even the students should take note. When receiving general instruction, one of the things to always ask is "Why?". This is not disrespectful but part of the learning process. I have had some fascinating conversations with some relatively new people about safety. They are always a little nervous but they will say something to the effect of..."I am concerned about where you were hitting." After some prying it comes down to a matter of all they know is that it is not someplace you should hit. That is all. Not the underlying reason.
That underlying reason is very important. Why? You ask. Because it explains the exceptions. Light floggers are not the same as heavy floggers. Nor are floggers the same as paddles or bats...yes, I said bats. But there are places that one should not hit with certain items. But those same places can be hit by other items and no damage can be done.
Plus, if anyone out there owns two or more floggers, they know, not all floggers are the same. Some are much heavier than others, the material that the falls are made out of make a world of difference as well. How they fall, how much kinetic force is transferred, all of these things make a difference. They make a difference in the amount of an s-types body you can play on. They make a difference in whether someone is safe or not.
These are the things that should be taught, most of what it is that We do is an art, there are very few absolutes. The absolutes that are out there generally result in Death.
Monday, April 19, 2010
Sunday, April 18, 2010
The Super Secret!
When my wife and I decided to enter the lifestyle jointly We sat down and had a very long talk. Actually, it was an iteration of talks, more like negotiations than anything else. There are things that I am into that she isn't, and there are things that she is into, that are not up my alley. It doesn't mean that they can't happen, it is just something that We have to balance.
Having two Dominants running a House requires clear and concise conversation between Us. Words can't have connotation, they can only have meaning. What I say is what I mean, and what I mean is what I say. Even more so, if I can not communicate with my fellow Dominant then how can I expect to communicate with an s-type? While it may work, the expectation is that I should be able to communicate and leave the ego at the door if needs be.
One of the upsides of Going with a formal House, is that We developed "The Manual". (insert eerie music). It is the structure and basis for what We do. It holds Our expectations for s-types, and even what s-types can expect from Us. Any expectations that an s-type may have outside of those expectations needs to be clearly communicated. If they don't say there is an issue then how can We resolve it? But the most important part of "The Manual" is that it is a guideline. It sets down the basis for the D/s dynamic as We see it. As each s-type relationship develops there may be slight changes to that specific s-types training or expectations, based on their strength and weaknesses.
"The Manual" is by no means set in stone. As Our goals change, or We develop new methodologies or interests "The Manual" will change as well. My co-Dominant has put many hours into refining "The Manual", not because it gets her off, or it is her responsibility, but because that is the time allocation. We each have responsibilities and tasks to complete, just like anyone else. The division of labor is such that maintaining "The Manual" fell under Her purview, plus it is right sexy to see Her working on it! Damn but I love me some intelligent women exercising their brains!
This is part of the secret to Our success. Before advertising, or going out looking for an s-type, We developed Our model. We set it down, We communicated between Us. So that there would be a good understanding and idea of what We wanted. Has it worked Out that way? Not always. But We do have the ideal of what We want!
Happy Hunting!
Having two Dominants running a House requires clear and concise conversation between Us. Words can't have connotation, they can only have meaning. What I say is what I mean, and what I mean is what I say. Even more so, if I can not communicate with my fellow Dominant then how can I expect to communicate with an s-type? While it may work, the expectation is that I should be able to communicate and leave the ego at the door if needs be.
One of the upsides of Going with a formal House, is that We developed "The Manual". (insert eerie music). It is the structure and basis for what We do. It holds Our expectations for s-types, and even what s-types can expect from Us. Any expectations that an s-type may have outside of those expectations needs to be clearly communicated. If they don't say there is an issue then how can We resolve it? But the most important part of "The Manual" is that it is a guideline. It sets down the basis for the D/s dynamic as We see it. As each s-type relationship develops there may be slight changes to that specific s-types training or expectations, based on their strength and weaknesses.
"The Manual" is by no means set in stone. As Our goals change, or We develop new methodologies or interests "The Manual" will change as well. My co-Dominant has put many hours into refining "The Manual", not because it gets her off, or it is her responsibility, but because that is the time allocation. We each have responsibilities and tasks to complete, just like anyone else. The division of labor is such that maintaining "The Manual" fell under Her purview, plus it is right sexy to see Her working on it! Damn but I love me some intelligent women exercising their brains!
This is part of the secret to Our success. Before advertising, or going out looking for an s-type, We developed Our model. We set it down, We communicated between Us. So that there would be a good understanding and idea of what We wanted. Has it worked Out that way? Not always. But We do have the ideal of what We want!
Happy Hunting!
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Why?
It is a question that we as people ask all the time. There are libraries of philosophy dedicated to the topic. There are entire religions based on or around this very topic. There are the great Whys and the little whys. I am not attempting to solve the riddles of the universe, I think they are doing just fine on their own.
But, what about the little whys? Why am I the way I am? Why do I like the color blue? Often times people get wrapped around the axle about these things. For the most part, is it simply enough to just be?
Knowing that I am what I am is a huge relief. Knowing that there are people out there looking for what I am is great. But does the knowing why really change anything? I have no history of abuse, of any sort, other than watching Linda Carter as Wonder Woman growing up. But I have a completely unremarkable childhood. Maybe that is what made me the way I am? Too much or not enough, for me it doesn't really matter. I simply am, and in the knowledge that I am, I can grow. I can look for the venues that cater to what I am. I can be safe and find partners that want what I am.
The life that all of us in the leather community lead follows dangerously close to that line of abuse. In some cases it is abuse. But knowing what I am, has allowed me to avoid falling over that line. But that is what I NEED to know.
I don't need to know the why of it. Does it matter? Would it change me one iota? Sure it might satisfy a scratch an itch, but would I not do this thing that we do? The answer to that would be no. I would continue to be me. After all is the sunrise any less majestic for knowing that the sun isn't moving? It is still a majestic sight.
I enjoy what I do. I have taken the time to make sure that I do it safely. After all, you can only break your toy once. I am not overly concerned with what society thinks. For this is my life and what I do with it is my responsibility. As a consenting adult, I can choose to torture myself over why I am the way I am, or I can torture someone else because that is what I enjoy.
I will choose the latter, it is more fun!
But, what about the little whys? Why am I the way I am? Why do I like the color blue? Often times people get wrapped around the axle about these things. For the most part, is it simply enough to just be?
Knowing that I am what I am is a huge relief. Knowing that there are people out there looking for what I am is great. But does the knowing why really change anything? I have no history of abuse, of any sort, other than watching Linda Carter as Wonder Woman growing up. But I have a completely unremarkable childhood. Maybe that is what made me the way I am? Too much or not enough, for me it doesn't really matter. I simply am, and in the knowledge that I am, I can grow. I can look for the venues that cater to what I am. I can be safe and find partners that want what I am.
The life that all of us in the leather community lead follows dangerously close to that line of abuse. In some cases it is abuse. But knowing what I am, has allowed me to avoid falling over that line. But that is what I NEED to know.
I don't need to know the why of it. Does it matter? Would it change me one iota? Sure it might satisfy a scratch an itch, but would I not do this thing that we do? The answer to that would be no. I would continue to be me. After all is the sunrise any less majestic for knowing that the sun isn't moving? It is still a majestic sight.
I enjoy what I do. I have taken the time to make sure that I do it safely. After all, you can only break your toy once. I am not overly concerned with what society thinks. For this is my life and what I do with it is my responsibility. As a consenting adult, I can choose to torture myself over why I am the way I am, or I can torture someone else because that is what I enjoy.
I will choose the latter, it is more fun!
Friday, April 16, 2010
A breath from disaster
Having been around a number of different leather communities I have noticed a recurring theme or arch-type. The one step ahead of disaster Master. These folks seem to be just ever so slightly ahead of the disaster curve. Time and again things blow up and if they aren't at the epicenter they are very near it.
I really have to give them credit, they have great publicist or something, because none of the fecal matter that spews ever sticks to them. They constantly rotate through s-types, breaking one after another with unsafe acts, or destroy whatever self-esteem or pride there may be, but it is never their fault. This lifestyle has lost more than one s-type to just such a person.
How do we as a community prevent this? How do we as a community stop this from happening. Much the same way we would in any other aspect of our lives. If a person comes to you asking your opinion of someone what do you say? Do you take the harder path and be honest, or do you want everyone to keep liking you and say nothing? By that omission you are just as guilty as the person who does these things. If you have seen questionable activity and someone who is considering entering into a relationship with that person asks you, be honest. For the record honesty is not the same as maliciousness. You don't need to talk them down, but do be honest about what you have seen first hand. Don't be shy about it, or refer them to someone who does have first hand knowledge of what they are like.
Most "specialty" communities are very closed knit and it seems that everyone has dated or had a relationship with everyone else, and this is how the abuse or neglect or (insert negative event here) keeps happening. Nobody will stand up and say this person did (insert negative event here).
This is not without a price, bravery begets backstabbing and bickering and very possibly being excluded from certain groups. But in the end, what is Our responsibility? Are We not the Dominants? Is it not Our responsibility to protect Our community? If not then are We just playing at it?
I really have to give them credit, they have great publicist or something, because none of the fecal matter that spews ever sticks to them. They constantly rotate through s-types, breaking one after another with unsafe acts, or destroy whatever self-esteem or pride there may be, but it is never their fault. This lifestyle has lost more than one s-type to just such a person.
How do we as a community prevent this? How do we as a community stop this from happening. Much the same way we would in any other aspect of our lives. If a person comes to you asking your opinion of someone what do you say? Do you take the harder path and be honest, or do you want everyone to keep liking you and say nothing? By that omission you are just as guilty as the person who does these things. If you have seen questionable activity and someone who is considering entering into a relationship with that person asks you, be honest. For the record honesty is not the same as maliciousness. You don't need to talk them down, but do be honest about what you have seen first hand. Don't be shy about it, or refer them to someone who does have first hand knowledge of what they are like.
Most "specialty" communities are very closed knit and it seems that everyone has dated or had a relationship with everyone else, and this is how the abuse or neglect or (insert negative event here) keeps happening. Nobody will stand up and say this person did (insert negative event here).
This is not without a price, bravery begets backstabbing and bickering and very possibly being excluded from certain groups. But in the end, what is Our responsibility? Are We not the Dominants? Is it not Our responsibility to protect Our community? If not then are We just playing at it?
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